


You Meant The World And Now More

by sydneythefriendlyghost



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: AU where there is no Yachi, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Cutting, Depression, GAD, Gone Away to College AU, Idk i dont like yachi, KageHina - Freeform, M/M, Making Out, Suicide Attempt, Suicide mention, based on the anime, introvert suga, may be triggering, negative, sorry cant really write her
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2015-06-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 10:07:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3063896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sydneythefriendlyghost/pseuds/sydneythefriendlyghost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suga is a socially anxious introvert. He had a small group of close friends on the volley ball team, until he had to break the news that he was going away to college in Tokyo. Leaving them, and the boy he loved, was the hardest thing he never wanted to do. College is tough, and Suga's present issues grow harder to handle on his own. Now, he's lost touch with all of them but Asahi. Two years later, Asahi invites him and their other past teammates to a party for Hinata, Tsukishima, Kageyama, and Tamaguchi, to celebrate their graduation. Parties, being his worst nightmare, are not something he engages in regularly. But when he gets there, he finds out some surprising news, and even ends up spilling some of his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Setting Up For Something New

    Suga walked out of his apartment, heart pounding. Sometimes leaving the house was the scariest thing, and the hardest. His mind was a tired, jumbled mess, but he could focus on his destination, his Psych 101 class. Although it was early in the morning, he had managed to find a class that was good for him, with hardly any people in it. _The less the better_ , he thought. After suffering from severe social anxiety and general anxiety disorder for many years, Suga had managed to rework his whole life to avoid any interaction with people. The slightest thing, like someone on the bus looking him in the eye, could make his heart race. SO he picked all morning and nighttime classes, for minimum people. He walked on the side of the street with less people, he worked only night shifts at a 24 diner down the road from his apartment. And in a way, he had grown to love the simplicity. He called his mom on the phone once a week, he had no roommates or otherwise silly people to fog up his life. 

    _Its been two years_ , Suga thought. _Two years and I'm halfway through my major._ For some reason he isn't as excited as he thought he'd be. The time was still a twinge of strangeness to him. Two years since Daichi and he- _No._ He refused to let himself think about it anymore. He had spent two years recovering from his mistake. Then something clicked in his head. He pulled out his phone, and dialed the number of the only person from Karasuno he'd managed to keep up with. 

"Hey! I was just about to call!" Asahi picked up and Suga's heart beat a step faster by habit.

"I just remembered! The first years are graduating soon right?" Suga smiled warmly. "I miss my silly first years. They are probably getting along fine without us though."

"Thats actually what I was about to call you about! I'm throwing a party for their graduation and I know you don't like parties, but could you come? It would mean the world to some of them." Asahi had an almost begging tone to his voice.

"Uhh well I guess..." Suga could feel his heart sink.  _A party._

"Thanks so much Suga! I'll text you the details!" Asahi mumbled in a rush and ended the phone call. Suga put away his phone, left standing at the bus stop, a new cloud of anxiety surrounding the party attacking his mind. 

* * *

     Daichi had a lot to think about. He had a lot to struggle with already, paying for his apartment and his classes. But he was getting by incredibly well he thought. This was not to say he was happy, oh no. He never slept, and rarely ate. If you looked at him, it was almost as if he could shrink away from your vision like smoke. Sometimes even leaving bed seemed futile. He had already called in sick many days, surprised he was still passing any classes at all. Life seemed to go in slow motion, and he felt heavy and weary all the time, no matter how much restless sleep he could get. He had picked up an old habit from high school, one he thought he had bypassed a long time ago. One he thought he had lost. Now Daichi wears long sleeves. He doesn't play volleyball.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Suga came home and set his bags on the kitchen counter. He felt such immediate relief at being home. At home, he was alone to recharge and relax. He was generally a very happy person, but being out and attending classes always tired him. Plus, to make matters more complicated, he had been distracted by his own thoughts all day. After the text from Asahi, he had looked up the address to see where the party was. Looks like Nishinoya is hosting. Thinking of his high school days always brings up good memories, mixed with bad. There was one night in particular he couldn't stop thinking about though. And it was as freshly painful as if it had happened moments ago. 

**After opening his acceptance letter, all he could feel was dread. He should have been excited, he knew, but he felt sick to his stomach. He already knew that Daichi had gotten into a community college a few towns over, so this meant he would now have to face the one thing he had been avoiding for so long.**

**He entered the gym as Daichi was cleaning up, and he felt his heart race.**

**"Hey! Where were you? You never called to tell me you wouldn't be here." Daichi smiled, and Suga's heart broke.**

**"I...I got in." He forced a half smile. "I'm moving to Tokyo in three months." Daichi's heart stopped.**

**"Oh. Congratulations! Thats amazing!" They both forced a smiles, trying so hard to be ok with it.**

**"Uh..." Suga cleared his throat. "I..." But Daichi didn't wait for his reply. He put his arms around Suga's waist and pulled him close. Suga's eyes opened in surprise but he closed them the moment their mouths met. It was slow and sweet and he wanted to cry in joy. Daichi pulled away, and smiled.**

**"We have to end this." Suga said, surprising himself. His face contorted into a sad, broken grimace.**

**"We do." Daichi smiled sadly, and walked away, out the door. And Suga let him, tears in his eyes.**

Suga broke out of his reverie, and smiled with bittersweet sadness. Those memories were hard to recall, but so nice to live in, just for a while. Today, he still wished he hadn't broken the kiss. Because maybe there would have been more between them. Maybe...

* * *

 

    Daichi remembered when Suga found him in a bad spell. He had never known about his struggles with his own mind until then.

**Daichi heard footsteps, and he turned to see Suga running to catch up.**

**"Hey can you stay over?" Daichi said. "I'm bored." It was a lie, but it worked.**

**"Yeah sure. Always." Suga smiled.**

**As Daichi opened his door, they both made polite conversation, and they entered his kitchen. Pulling out some junk food, he rolled up his sleeves to wash his hands before eating. Suga came over to wash his hands next, but then stopped in his tracks. Eyes widening, he reached out and grabbed Daichi's hand from the water.**

**"Wha-" he exclaimed.**

**Suga brought the arm closer to his face, squinting and analyzing the cuts on Daichi's arm. His heart exploded and his mind blanked with fear.**

**"What are these? Daichi oh my god what are these? Daichi oh god. Oh my god. Oh no." He reached out and traced the thin red lines across his inner arms. "Oh god..." he murmured. His eyes filled with tears, and Daichi felt so guilty.**

**Suga, now crying, sobbed**

**"Why do you do this? Why did you never tell me? Why did you do this?" Suga cried into the cuts on his arm. Daichi didn't know what to say. Why did he do it? He did it to end his pain, to quiet the churning sea of sadness in his mind. But he didn't say anything. Soon, they were both crying. The longer they cried, the closer they moved, til the were tangled up on the floor. And all of a sudden Suga looked up and he leaned in and cupped his face. "Please stop." And then they kissed. Lips meeting, Daichi felt so calm. It was moments before it ended, and months before Suga broke his heart.**

Daichi laid on his bed, too tired from the sad memories to move. He rolled over and closed his eyes. Just as he began drifting off, his phone buzzed with a text.

**_meet me at noya's house 2morrow @ 8:00pm. party 4 graduates. suga will b there._ **

Suga would be there. But he hadn't seen Asahi in ages. He decided to at least try it. He was too excited to see Suga for his own good. 


	3. Mistakes Are Made In The Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suga prepares for the party and flashes back a bit, revealing more. Daichi prepares for the party as well, although differently. The tension in each of them continues to rise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a lot to write about but my chapters are really short? So sorry about that. Also, I'm going to have a genderfluid character so be prepared. I may end up making it Suga if I think it will fit into the story. Idk i may not. Making Suga genderfluid would be ideal, but we'll see if I can fit it in. may make a whole new fic for that. idk idk

    Suga spent the morning preparing himself for the mental strain of attending a party, even if it was one filled by people he knew and trusted. Parties were his worst nightmare and if someone poisoned him and put the antidote on the other side of a large party, he would rather let himself die than cross it. But tonight was very important to the first years(who were no longer first years!) and he was their volleyball mama, and he could not allow himself to disappoint them. His social anxiety had gotten worse since his move to Tokyo, and especially since leaving his tight high school group of friends. Although not many of them knew about his disorders, just Asahi and Daichi, and Noya, assuming Asahi had told his boyfriend. Well, and then if you counted on the fact that Noya couldn't keep his mouth shut for five minutes, they probably all knew by now. Huh.

    He cringed. Suga hoped that they would at least have the curtesy to act like they didn't know. He had grown incredibly adept at hiding his GAD and SAD. He could even mask an attack as long as nobody talked to him or asked him to do anything. Because so much of his anxiety was internal, he could hide it in public so much better now. It wasn't the greatest coping strategy, but it did make life a bit easier, so who was to judge?

    Ever since he had been accepted to his dream school, he had kept a journal. In soft black leather notebooks lined up on the bookshelf by his bed, he kept a close log of the past two years, starting on the night he broke his own heart.Every page was neatly dated and organized, with as much close details as possible. If someone were to go back and read them they would tell the story of someone who was a bit quiet, a bit sad, but very peaceful. 

**He ran home as fast as possible, trying not to choke on his own teary breaths. How could Daichi just act like it was nothing, like he hadn't just broken his heart. _He literally walked away not a care in the world_ , Suga thought bitterly. This wasn't just nothing! He reached his door, and rushed up to his room, changing into his pajamas as fast as possible. Grabbing junk food and his laptop, he watched TV programs and ate as much junk food as he could cram into his mouth at once. Anything to forget what had just happened. Then a thought struck him. Suga had received a small black leather journal from Daichi a few weeks before they had both submitted their applications for schools. He had never written in it, but he could think of no better way to rant out his anger and pain. Reaching to his bookshelf, he pulled out the book and a pen from his nightstand. Angrily, he jabbed out the date and a word by word account of the night. **

**When he woke up the next morning, he couldn't explain the relief he felt knowing that no matter what happened, the events of the night before were recorded. It was unexplainable, really, but the next night he wrote about his thoughts again. And then the night after that. He found a way to purge himself of his own strife.**

    Suga face palmed himself.  _How could I forget. Gah. Stupid, stupid._  He went to the most recent notebook, and flipped through the pages to find only four left before it was full.  _Dammit. Thats what I was forgetting._ He grabbed his wallet and bus pass, running to catch the bus to his favorite bookstore, the only place that sold the exact right books. Checking the time, he knew he had enough to arrive at the party right on time.

* * *

 

    Daichi pulled himself out of bed, and hour before he was due to be at Noya's house. His stomach was sick, and he realized that he hadn't slept in a few days. How many exactly, he didn't know. He managed to drag his aching body to the shower, and the steam reinvigorated him a bit. He tried not to think about being in the same room as Suga too much, because it just made him nervous and uneasy with himself. He stepped out of the shower, and shook out his spiked brown-black hair. Though taking a shower did help a bit, he didn't feel as much better as he thought he would.

    It had been a long time since he had felt fine. And he couldn't quite remember when he first thought about it. As long as he could remember it had been darker for him than for others. He was always the brightest, most energetic person, and on the team he was excited and happy, all smiles and encouragement. But then by the end of practice or a match, he felt like he'd been wearing a mask the whole time, that he was being fake. That it wasn't him. Suga knew, but no one else. In fact, he had stopped hiding it, sometimes not getting out of bed for days at a time. It was too hard.

    His gaze bounced to the small razor on the side of the sink. Daichi knew that the lines would be noticeable if he wore his short sleeved t-shirt. He reached for the blade, hoping to clear his head a tiny bit, enough to go to the party.  _It wont be a problem,_ he thought.

Daichi remembered when he was taking anti depressants. Because thats what he had, depression. It was hard to call it by that official name. It made it all too real to him. Suga told him of his days in his first year that he had been depressed, how scary and hard everything was, but as soon as you got help you could begin to recover. But that wasn't what happened. He had begun to get better, but about a year after Suga moved away, he had slowly stopped going to the therapy sessions he had been attending, stopped filling his prescription. It seemed so futile, so hopeless. He had a broken heart, and everything had been tiring. So slowly, slowly, he phased out his medicine. One day, in a fit of rage, he flushed the remaining pills down the toilet, finally giving up. That was when he had finally succumbed to the figurative dark cloud around him. His grades went down the drain, but he was coasting by for now. This semester was almost over and it was all online classes anyway. 

    It had started as a constant irritability and sadness that he couldn't shake. Then, unfounded crying fits and time slowing down before his eyes. And soon, after a few months, he couldn't sleep or eat or shower without feeling tired and empty. When Suga had seen the cuts up and down his arms, it had been a flurry of help, and finally therapy. But just a few months later he left, and Daichi began his decline. He wondered if anyone of the Karasuno kids would even recognize him. Much less Suga.

Suga. 

 _No. We are not doing this right now, brain. Not now. I have to fool those sweet teammates into thinking I'm fine. It has to be believable._ There was only one person who could see through his facade, but he doubted they would even end up talking. He was planning on class A avoidance of his ex.


	4. Party Party Everywhere And Not A Place To Think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daichi arrives, Suga has a scare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i decided to make yamaguchi the genderfluid one. im gonna write a seperate fic for a genderfluid suga. sorry these are all so short, but im updating twice a day so it should be fine

Daichi arrived at the party early, surprisingly. Knocking at Noya's house with a pit of nervousness as big as an apple in his throat, he stood patiently, hearing Noya yelling, Asahi yelling back, and Hinata talking a speaking voice for once. Huh. Then he could hear footsteps approaching and he mentally prepared for them to see his deterioration. But when the door slammed open to Noya and Hinata's smiling faces, he felt a sudden spring of joy and he smiled as big as he could.

"Hey you guys!" Daichi smiled, trying to keep up a facade of joy. Hinata's face immediately changed into a frown.

"Why do you look so bad? Are you sick?" He leaned to inspect Daichi's face a bit closer. I'm very sick Hinata, he thought. But he didn't say what he thought, instead sticking with a weak laugh and smile combo. 

"Can I at least come in?" He said peering around the two hyper guys to see an exasperated Asahi mouthing "I'm so sorry." over their shoulders. He laughed again. Maybe he could actually make it through this party semi ok. Maybe this would be somewhat better. But as the two moved away and he walked into Noya's apartment Asahi's eyes widened in surprise. 

"Man....You don't look all right. Are you ok?" Worry teemed from behind his calmed stare and Daichi felt uncomfortable. 

"Ah yeah. I haven't been exercising as much lately." He rubbed the back of his head trying to seem as nonchalant as possible. Asahi didn't look convinced, but he didn't push the issue either. Daichi helped him continue to set up. He could hear Hinata talking loudly in the distance, and then the door opened and he squealed. 

"What is he yelling about?" Daichi asked Noya.

"Oh Kageyama just got here I'm guessing..." Daichi laughed heartily.

"Ahh they are such good friends..." Noya looked up in surprise.

"Uh well-" He started, but Kageyama busted into the kitchen before he could finish, shaking Hinata off his arm. He came up to Daichi and was about to greet him when Hinata shouted.

"Hey! No fair! At least give me a kiss first!" And pulled Kageyama down and kissed him. Square on the lips. Very, very sexually. Daichi's eyes widened in surprise and he looked at Noya who just shrugged and laughed a bit. He cleared his throat and Hinata pulled away, Kageyama blushing and looking embarrassed. 

"Uh. Hello." Kageyama looked so vastly uncomfortable it was actually hilarious. Daichi tried to smile as warmly as possible and seem light hearted, but Kageyama continued being uncomfortable. Hinata smiled proudly, like he had staked his claim on his boyfriend thoroughly enough. 

    Suddenly, he heard the door open. They all turned to see who it was. But before the guest could enter the kitchen, he called out. "Hello?" Called out a familiar voice. Daichi paled in horror. Oh hell no.

* * *

                                          .                      Suga walked into Noya's house, after seeing cars outside and the door was unlocked. "Hello?" He called. The house seemed empty but there were party decorations all around. Maybe they were setting up in the kitchen. He headed the way he thought it was. As he stepped into the room he stopped dead in his tracks in horror. "Hello-" A familiar set of soft brown eyes greeted him. Oh go oh god no way. The world felt like it was collapsing. "Daichi-" he felt nauseous. He turned to run, but he felt weak and sick. He must be dying. His head felt light and he stumbled.Suddenly, everything was spinning and his vision clouded to black. Suga felt himself crumple to the floor and he heard Asahi yelling something about fetching blankets and water, and could somebody for the love of god please make sure he's still breathing.    Does he mean me?   And Suga fell asleep.                                                             .                                                                        


	5. Wake Up Theres A Party Going On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suga wakes up to some not so welcome faces, and a bit of news from an unexpected person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yamaguchi is going to be the genderfluid person just letting you know

    Suga smelled something achingly familiar. It was so sweet and soft and known to him that he felt safe. He couldn't quite place what it was though.He slowly tried to wake up as he forced his mind to alertness. And then it hit him. That smell was Daichi's laundry detergent. He knew it well, but why did he smell it? He jerked awake, opening his eyes to see a huddle of nervous faces all crowded around him. Tanaka, Yamaguchi,  Noya, Hinata, Tsukishima, Kageyama, and Daichi were spread in a circle around him. 

"Wha-?" He mumbled, as he sat up and realized the source of the smell was in fact Daichi's coat which was placed around his shoulders. Suga sat up off the couch and shook his head. "What's going on? What happened??" This was becoming increasingly worrying. Everyone exchanged glances. Suga felt so uncomfortable as he could feel the burn of Daichi's stare in his back. 

"Well you saw Daichi and you fainted!" Hinata said, matter-of-factly, like this happened all the time to him. This was becoming burningly awful.  _Get me out of here god please get me out. I can't be here._

"Oh god. Oh god. Oh my god.You're ok." Asahi sighed in relief, as he walked in and saw that Suga was awake. Suga however, wished he was still knocked out. This was too weird, too strange. He was here to see Noya and the graduates. This was a party. Why was Daichi here. No one had told him he would be here, although he should have guessed that their old team captain would be there. He could feel a familiar burning in his chest, a panic attack. Different from his usual anxiety attacks, panic attacks were sharp and terrifying and it was so scary to others outside. He began to breathe out of rhythm, and he felt terrified and almost to the point that he would do anything to make he fear end. The surrounding Karasuno kids all looked confused. Suga's heart was beating so hard. He felt the overwhelming feeling that he was going to die. 

"Pan...ic..atta..ck.." He wheezed in pain and fear, pupils dilated and eyes wide with fear. As soon as he feebly choked out the words, Daichi and Asahi looked at each other. Daichi moved forward and moved the others away, giving him space. Asahi tried to explain what was happening to him to the other boys. Suga breathed heavily and although the attack only lasted a few minutes, he felt drained and empty. It felt dragging and painful. As he slowly returned to normal, he sighed a thank you to his two helpful friends. But he pushed himself to the edge of the couch to get away from Daichi. Hinata and Kageyama gave him looks of pity, while Tsukki looked genuinely worried for once in his life. Yamaguchi's eyes shone with sympathy. Asahi gave an extremely worried look at him.

"First you fainted, then you had a panic attack, now you're scooting so far from Daichi its like he has the plague. I think you owe us an explanation. Now." It was almost like he had replaced him as the mother hen of the group. Suga looked up. 

"Oh god. This might take a while. And it will be really awkward. I mean, just....."

* * *

 

"So you and Daichi were fucking the entire third year??? God dammit." Noya slammed his fist on the table in anger. Suga and Daichi had been filling the others in on..things...and it was so terribly awkward. Daichi flinched. This was possibly the worst thing he had ever had to do in his whole life. Oh god. This was almost vomit worthy. Then Noya pulled out his wallet and handed a fistful of money to Hinata, who was smiling like a demon.

"What?? You were making bets?" Suga exclaimed in exasperation. This was definitely a new low for the two trouble makers.  They both laughed nervously.

"Well, yeah. I mean you both spent waayy too long cleaning up after practice and you hit the showers as we were all leaving. You aren't very discrete..." Hinata mumbled. Suga's face burst out in a nice shade of vermillion, and a horrified expression. Hanging his head in his hands, he mumbled something alone the lines of "Motherfucker.....". No on ever heard Suga curse, so the embarrassment was pretty extreme. Daichi just flinched again, he felt like they knew back then. His aim was never to make it a secret. Asahi just hung his head in tiredness. 

"Ok. Um wow. Um. How about we just eat now. This was a celebration, not some big soap opera drama." He stood up and went to the kitchen, returning with a few pizza boxes. "Here." Daichi could feel a migraine coming on. Suga had thankfully left out the part where he had broken his heart, claiming the ending was just a "bad break up". Thank god for that major understatement. There was no way to even overcome the horrible mistake he had made by coming to this party.

* * *

 

    The pizza was handed out one by one. 

"Tsukki take Yamaguchi's pizza. He's in the bathroom." Asahi said, just as Yamaguchi entered the room. She stopped in her tracks. Now was as good a time as ever. She felt her heart race at breakneck speeds as she opened her mouth.

"Its she. Today. Its 'she'." The room turned, and eyes widened in both confusion and understanding. Suga looked up from his corner of shame and awkwardness. He nodded and smiled, the birthmark in the corner of his eye wrinkling. Tsukishma tuned in surprise. 

"Wait what? What do you mean?" She felt her stomach plummet to her ankles.  _Its ok. I can do this._ But when she opened her mouth all that came out was an stunted sigh.

"I'm genderfluid. And I'm tired of people using the wrong pronouns but I mean its not like its their fault cause I mean they don't know but it still hurts and I mean its just I'm tired of it and um-" She broke off her rambling sentence as Tsukki put his hand on her shoulder. 

"Its ok. We accept you. We'll use whatever ones you want." Everyone was surprised by the sudden outburst of kindness and emotion from the emotionally cold asshole. Everyone chimed in with agreement. Yamaguchi had never felt so happy or light.

* * *

 


	6. Party Party Everywhere And Not A Place To Think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daichi is bombarded by drunken Suga's verbal vomit. Maybe this isn't such a great party, considering all the graduates are drunk and everything is awkward as hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow ok well this chapter is going to be focused on Daichi, since i noticed i tend to write more for Sugas parts. This chapter is a bit more light-ish(ok well kinda) also there is drinking

    Sometime after food was consumed and the party started to reach normal hang out level of relaxation and loud music, Tanaka stumbled in carrying a backpack. When he set it down loudly on the table, everyone turned their heads. And, lets be honest, hardly anyone was paying attention now that the rest of the non-volleyball player party guests showed up. The Karasuno team had wanted to hang out before the party started, and look how bad that had backfired. Although currently, Daichi was blaming Asahi for not telling Suga that he was coming. Asahi had earlier commented on the fact that he had had his suspicions, especially by Suga's crazed emotional haze after he moved.

    At the time Tanaka walked in, Hinata and Kageyama were making out in the bathroom (while at least ten people waited outside at any given time), Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were making out in the corner with no shame(not that Tsukki had any to begin with), and no one wanted to ask where Noya and Asahi were(considering it was Noya's house....). They could all fill in the blanks for themselves. But Tanaka's backpack was slammed down onto the table. The room full of at least 40 people(including the two busy couples) all turned to see what made clinking glass noise. 

"Beer!" Tanaka shouted, as if that gave any explanation as to how he got it or why he was giving it to underage kids. Somehow, at that point in the night, it was no longer important and he began throwing cans of alcohol into the excited crowd. 

    Needless to say, much of the Karasuno crew got very drunk. Suga had disappeared earlier, but was back by the time alcohol arrived. Then he chugged three beers in a blatant attempt to either forget everything in his life or somehow suck any enjoyment out of this party. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi took the train there so they drank an indefinite amount, and Hinata got extremely drunk while his only slightly tipsy boyfriend tried to keep him under control. While Kageyama failed at that, Noya got his hands on _at least_ two drinks, but Daichi stopped counting. Asahi had been sipping one all night, but he didn't appear as bad off as his boyfriend.

    Daichi didn't exactly know why he wasn't drinking. By all means, it would probably make his mind quiet down for a bit and god knows he had been known to do it before. But it just didn't seem as all appealing tonight. He sat in a corner sipping on ginger ale, and silently watching the party, analyzing his friends.

    See, they all had a different personality drunk. Hinata and Noya were both easy to peg, as happy-go-lucky drunks. When they had consumed a moderate amount of alcohol, they became happy and excited, very touchy, and very warm. As far as Daichi was concerned, they acted as if they had taken ecstasy not had a couple beers. Tanaka was a crazy drunk, and as the only 100% straight dude on the team, he hit on anything with boobs. He could also be called the douche-bag drunk, for he had a tendency to make girls mad when he was intoxicated. The whole no filter mess and all. Daichi had never seen Kageyama drunk until today, but judging from the fact that he was passed out in the corner, he had to go with sleepy drunk. Not a single one of Hinata's attempts could get him on the dance floor anyway. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi hadn't separated since they started drinking, so just very touchy apparently.  When he watched them leave arm in arm, he wasn't surprised in the slightest. Asahi refused to allow himself to get barely more than tipsy, so Daichi wondered if  he'd ever find out what kind of drunk he was. 

    He wondered a lot of things. He felt tired, but he knew that if he were to try to sleep it would be futile. Watching as the party passed by, he spent his time analyzing the room, and the people in it. He waned to cry, but he didn't have any tears. Shivering, he pulled his long sleeved hoodie tighter. This was bad. Maybe he'd just tell Asahi to tell the others what happened and that he eft. Although he doubted many of these guys were gonna make it home tonight. And since Asahi was so kind and sweet, he'd probably let them sleep here, and then cater to their hangovers the next day. 

    Just as Daichi was preparing to weave his way through the crowd and past Tanaka hitting on Kyioko, the most familiar drunk of all sat down on his lap, in the armchair he was in. He pulled his face close and pushed their lips together, forcing his tongue inside. Daichi fell into a familiar and sweet rhythm until he was reminded of where he was and whose face was pressed to his.

"Gah-! What are you doing?" Daichi shoved himself back a bit, drawing a disappointed look from Suga. He had tasted a lot of beer on Suga's breath - just how much had he drank?

"Buuutt youu taste yummmyyy...." Suga said tilting his head to one side and slurring his vowels. Daichi was impressed. Drunk Suga was definitely a sexy drunk( he already knew this) but the alcohol seemed to have rid him of all his anxieties. Slightly worried, Daichi tried to help get Suga someplace where he could sleep so he wouldn't be in such bad shape come tomorrow. As much as he had enjoyed the kiss, Suga was very drunk and that was not ok for him to have done anything. Suga had other plans, however.

"We shooullldd gogo someplacccee quiettt....." He smiled and acted how he probably thought was flirtatious. Daichi had never seen him so bad before.  As carefully as he could, he lead Suga through the crowds and made it to Asahi. 

"Asahi. Look at him!" He let Suga's drunkenness be its own explanation. Asahi rolled his eyes and sighed. 

"Dear god. ok. Well bring him to the guest room, second door on the left, and he can stay here tonight. I think he drove so its probably best that he stay." Asahi pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "God. I may have to lock my boyfriend in our room. This is bad. I can't believe Tanaka bought beer. What a dumbass." Daichi and he shared a laugh at that. Then he began the process of getting Suga back across the room and to the guest bedroom. Suga wanted to stop and look at every guys butt along the way. Daichi just prayed he didn't have a boyfriend cause tonight had the potential to turn into a shitstorm.

    Daichi got Suga to the room, which was(thankfully) unoccupied. He sat him down on the bed, propping him up with pillows. Drunk people should not sleep on their backs, he knew, so he sat him up and decided to wait until he fell asleep so he could no longer cause any trouble.

"You knowww I didntt meeann itt Dai. I didntt meean it." Daichi looked in surprise at his drunk ex boyfriend.

"What? What didn't you mean?" He felt strange being called by Suga' s pet name for him. But since his inhibitions were lowered, he was curious to see  what he would spill. 

"Whheen I leett yoou go. Dai, I didnt meeann itt." There is was again, the nickname. And with this revealation, he could feel his heart drop into his shoes. By now Koushi was almost asleep. He stood up and found a piece of paper and pulled a pen out of his pocket. He scribbled for a moment on the paper, and then stuck it in Suga's jacket pocket right next to his car keys and phone, where he was sure to find it. 

"Dont worry Koushi. i didn't mean it either. I didn't mean it." He kissed Suga on the head and then left the party to drive home. 

    Sitting at the steering wheel with his head in hands, Daichi wondered where it all went wrong. Maybe it was his 18th birthday. Maybe it was last month when he found his love of razors again. Maybe it had all started falling apart somewhere earlier. All he knew was that things had a long way to go before being "better".


	7. Paper Bits and Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suga wakes up alongside Hinata and Kageyama, on the floor. Asahi, the big teddy bear, helps them up and distributes ibuprofen. Suga has questions, especially about his drunk judgement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eep this is getting more hits joy! yeah i hope you guys are enjoying this so far idk waht im doing lol wel enjoy enjoy! also these will start to slow down once i got back to school so be ready

    There was nothing that could compare to the burn in Suga's head. The pain was extreme and he didn't want to move, but he had to pee. He swung his feet off the side of the bed, while keeping his eyes closed. After a significant amount of mental preparation, he stood shakily and shuffled forward, and then promptly tripped over a large mass in the floor. Losing his balance immediately, he fell straight on his face with a loud thud.  _This cannot be happening._ His head hurt so bad from the sharp jolt. This was not his house. He was perfectly organized and there shouldn't have been anything in the floor here. Now his head ached and throbbed angrily.

    The body(it was now apparent he tripped over a person) underneath him stirred and mumbled trying to shove him off. Suga pushed himself into a plank position and then rolled sideways off what he now knew was Hinata. Hinata sat up and scratched his head looking pained and pale. 

"Whoa. I feel sick. Where am I? Why are you still here Suga-san?" Suga looked around, not recognizing anything. 

"I don't know where we are either." Just then, a groan escaped from the bed. Slowly rising, Hinata and Suga both spotted Kageyama sitting up on the bed rubbing his eyes.

"What the fuck?" He murmured. Brushing his bangs out of his face, he looked around. All three guys felt awkward, but mostly just really confused. No one said anything, as if under some kind of hungover spell.

"I am....really...hungover." Muttered Hinata. Suga snorted in laughter.

"Lightweight.." He smirked. Hinata looked in shock, and gave him an insulted look and raised an eyebrow.

"Me?" he said, as if challenging Suga to some sort of competition. Luckily, just then, someone knocked on the door, causing all three of them to hold their heads in pain at the loud noise. Looking up through his soft light bangs to see Asahi open the door lightly, and carefully poke hi head in.

"Oh good you're all awake. You all were in pretty bad shape last night, and Suga you drove so obviously you had to stay." He entered the room and glanced around. To be completely honest, Suga couldn't remember how much he drank. After his fifth drink he forgot what he was doing and his mind went on auto-pilot. In Asahi's hands were a bottle of tylenol and three water bottles. "Here." he said softly, distributing them around. Everyone gave him looks of gratefulness, and downed three tablets. "Oh and Suga you should really thank Daichi. He found you all messed up last night and dragged you here so you could not do stupid things you'd regret." Hinata and Kageyama's eyes widened and they looked at Suga, curious and gaping. Asahi just smirked and Suga gave him a look like "you are so gonna pay." 

"Thanks Asahi. Hows Nishinoya? He was drunk before I even started drinking. " Hinata looked questioningly at the bigger man. 

"Well, if you guys think about how you feel right now, Noya feels about 5 times worse. The idiot." He muttered the last part. "Anyway, you guys should head home. There's breakfast on the counter so you can eat before you go if you want to. I'm gonna go sleep. Nishinoya was up all night puking." He turned and exited. Kageyama looked sickly, and so did his boyfriend. 

"I think I'm - erp - gonna skip breakfast....." He mumbled sleepily. "Dumbass got me drunk..." He stood up and stumbled to the door and went to grab his keys and coat. Hinata stood up shakily as well. 

"Have fun driving home Suga-san." Hinata said with an evil gleam in his eye. He and Kageyama had taken the train so he knew Suga had to drive back to his apartment. As the orange haired demon left, Suga began to try to plan his route home, one with minimal turns and bumps. He walked slowly out of Noya's house and stood outside gasping at the bright light burning his eyes.

"Uggh..." Reaching for his keys to unlock his car, he felt a piece of paper brush against his skin.  _Whats this?_   He pulled it out to find a crumpled napkin. It had been scribbled on in ballpoint pen, in familiar handwriting. 

_**you're welcome. you tried to make out with a bunch of strangers tonight. you were mumbling nonsense so i put you up in asahi's guest room.  nice seeing you. -from dai** _

Suga sat down in his car and rested his head on the steering wheel. His old nickname for Daichi. Why did he use it? They see each other for the first time in years and he says shit like "Koushi" and "Dai"? Suga was gonna fall for him all over again. He was falling for him. He had had to leave the party before Tanak showed up with beer simply because he could feel the stirrings of lust and attraction pulling at him, and he couldn't let that happpen. He was happy. He didn't need this right now. Suga pulled himself out of his thoughts and decided to make a mental note of asking Asahi for Daichi's number so he thank him.  _I'm so fucked. This man is going to be the death of me._ _  
_


	8. Blowing Up The Phone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daichi is surprised to receive a call, Suga is surprised to make one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey sorry for the slowed down updates, i have swim practice and school everyday and its hell busy. im gonna try to keep up with this as much as possible

Suga paced around his bedroom, too hyped up and nervous to sit down. He had to keep moving or he'd get too worried and never get around to actually doing what he was trying to do. Turning his phone on and off as he felt his chest begin to constrict in a familiar sensation. He felt his hands go numb and cold, and his heart beat speed up to a breakneck pace. Suga carefully lowered himself onto his bed and reclined back onto a pile of pillows, still clutching his phone. By now he had tightened his grip on it so hard that the edges of the plastic were digging into his palm. In a way, though, that pain was welcome and it helped to center him and make him feel completely aware of his surroundings. His skin was clammy and cold, as if he had a fever. This wasn't uncommon, and he knew how to deal with this anxiety, but it was still hard to recover from at times.

    Slowly he breathed through a constricted chest and after a few minutes he was fine. Suga knew these attacks were just a natural part of life for him, but it deterred him nonetheless. It was frustrating how he could go from fine to a horrible mess in seconds. He yearned for the quite security of being a person with a normal brain. Sadly, that just wasn't to be. Breaking out of his reverie, Suga pushed himself up off the duvet. Standing once more, he rolled back his shoulders and prepared himself. The tension and anxiety began to creep back into the corners of his mind again, but this time he was determined to accomplish the simple task he had set himself up to do in the first place. _And thats what it is,_ he thought. _A simple task that I can just do and then it will be over and it can't possibly be as hard as I'm making it out to be here! I can't believe i'm doing this._ He rolled his finger over the call button, and the number he had typed in appeared again. _Oh god...._ and he pressed the button. Heart pounding a drumbeat over a symphony of chattering thoughts, he listened to the ring ring ring of the dial tone. It buzzed him up even more, but his breath caught in his throat when he heard it pick up.

“Hello? Who is this?” A groggy and thick voice answered the call. Suga could feel his head start to spin with nervous excitement.

“Dai?” He said.

* * *

 

 

Daichi could feel all the blood in his face drain away as he heard a familiarly comforting nick name mumble over the line. How did he get this number? Why is he calling? I can't let him do this I can't do this.

“Uhm. Uh yes, it is. And who is this?” He feigned innocence, or perhaps better called ignorance. There was no way Suga would believe he didn't recognize the number. It wasn't like they had stopped talking altogether when he had left, they had kept their “friendship” long enough to realize it was hurting them both, as they slowly fell out of contact. But he knew the number, and now he wondered how he hadn't noticed it before he picked up. _Gah, stupid, stupid._ He mumbled to himself.

“This is....its Koushi.” He used his first name, and it did not go unnoticed. He written Suga's first name on the note. Did Suga still have his number? If not, who gave it to him?

“Oh. Uh. Well hi I guess.” I guess? Why was Daichi being so stupid? _How do you even act around the one guy you never got over?_

“I'm glad I caught you. I just wanted to say um thank you for helping me out at the party the other night I mean I was a mess ad you know I don't normally drink but I just started and I couldn't stop and it was all downhill from there so uh thanks I guess um yeah.” Daichi suppressed the urge to giggle at the way Suga had spilled his thoughts out all at once, a habit he had when he was anxious. It was like he couldn't keep it all in his head longer then necessary so he vomited it all up in one extremely messy run on sentence. It was adorable. _Wait no. Not adorable. I am already head over heels for the guy god I'm so dumb._ He pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Oh. Uh. Yeah no problem. It was the good thing to do I mean I couldn't just let you continue to do stupid things while you were blackout drunk.” He could almost feel Suga's smile over the phone.

“Ok. Well, thanks. Um. Yeah. Haha well I should be going so....” He winced at the nervous laughter. Its not like they were strangers or anything. _Except we are. I dont' even know what he's been up to. I don't deserve to know._ He smiled, a little bit pained in expression.

“Yeah. Uh-” Before he could finish, Suga interjected in a very un-Suga-like manner.

“Do you wanna go get a coffee sometime? Like maybe next thursday?” Wait what? Daichi blushed and his heart beat incredibly fast. Suddenly he could barely choke out an answer.

“Is 10 good?” He mumbled in shock, into the phone. “Yeah. Yeah thats good. Can't wait to catch up with you Dai.” And with that, he hung up the phone. Daichi turned off his phne and flopped backwards down onto the bed. He lay there and smiled like an idiot for almost an hour before he got up and stumbled to the bathroom for his daily rituals.

* * *

 

      **It was summertime when he first realized he loved Koushi. It was never Suga in his head, only Koushi. It was a softer name, one that seemed to fit the smaller boy better than his team given nickname. He had always seen them as a happy pair, best friends and all that jazz. They played on the volleyball team, and during the off season they ran together. It was happy, and it was easy. Things had begun to change under their feet and they didn't notice until Suga came up to Daichi one day and pulled him aside, worry adorning his features.**

**“We....we need to talk. I have something to tell you.” Fear fluttered briefly through his chest as Suga pulled him to a garden bench in the courtyard of their school. The rolling crowds of other students passed right on by the second years. Suga looked nervous and anxious and it only served to ramp up Daichi's worries more. “Look, I.... I really..I'm having a hard time saying this...Um well I....Uh” Suga stumbled over his words and he could barely seem to string together enough to make a sentence.**

**“Just spit it out!!” Daichi said impatiently. He was dying to find out what was making his friend so nervous. Suga's eyes widened at the sudden outburst, and he blurted it all out, most likely out of surprise.**

**“I don't like girls.” He looked shocked and terrified and on the verge of tears. Suddenly, Daichi felt bad for acting out and scaring him. His blood ran cold however. He knows he can trust me, and I still can't tell him. He smiled warmly at the silver haired boy.**

**“Oh Suga I don't care. You like who you like. You're still you, and thats all I care about.” The relief on Koushi's face was enormous.**

**“Oh. Oh thank you.” He looked as if he might cry. Suga hugged Daichi and smiled. “I have to go print some things out in the library. See you practice?” He looked hopeful and Daichi's heart swelled with joy.**

**“Yeah I'll be there. See ya.” Daichi's heart raced and he felt tired.**


	9. Well Wishes For Futures Impossible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suga and Daichi both have questions, but its soon to see how much they still connect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ack sorry guys! its been taking me forever to update ever since i started school again. but i plan on at least one chapter a week, so hang in there. im having so much fun writing this rn so hopefully i can keep up with that

       Suga checked his teeth in the mirror for the 80th time in the last hour. No way was he going to meet Sawamura Daichi, in a coffee shop, wearing sweat pants, **and** have food in his teeth. It was almost as if he was making a statement. _Take me or leave me. You get everything thats here and thats it._ It was bold, and very different from what he would normally say or do. It seemed like he was breaking out of character more and more lately. Maybe he had really changing all along, and being with Daichi had just shone a light on just how different he was now. Two years was a long time and he assumed that they had both changed. God, and they would both have to almost re-learn how to interact. _Its crazy to try and do this._ But, you can always just drop contact with him and pretend you aren't trying to rekindle an old flame from high school. _I'm in way over my head here._ He thought to himself. The silver haired ex-setter had long since dropped the idea of them ever being back together, but it was nice to dream to have. To keep alive, for _reasons._

       And if Suga was being completely honest with himself, breaking up had been hard on him too. There were definitely multiple occasions where he had woken up with from a dream of his ex boyfriend to find sticky sheets. Daichi had never quite left his mind, and it was still a rare occurrence where nowadays, even two years later, he could look back on the short and passionate relationship and feel himself floating away on the memory. Not to mention feeling slightly aroused. _Daichi is still hot._ That was the wrong thing to think of before he went to go meet him for coffee though. He tried to calm the roiling warmth in his gut as he breathed before trying to look as calm as possible when leaving the house. Turning to lock the door behind him, he continued to allow his mind to race. Daichi was amazing, and although he had only ignited their relationship in second year, his feelings for the boy had been there much longer. The boy had been his first real attraction and he still managed to make Suga wish he hadn't thought of certain things during math class.

So in other words, this was gonna be a really weird day.

* * *

 

       Daichi heard the bell of the coffee shop ring and he turned around on a whim, hoping it was just a stranger and not the person he was anxiously waiting to meet.

It wasn't.

       

      Daichi's breath hitched as he saw Suga walk in. His scarf was wrapped around his neck to keep out the spring breeze and the bright red made his cheeks seem warm and soft. His hair bounced a little as his face widened in a smile and he brought up a hand and waved sweetly. It was like nothing had changed. Except really it was insidious, and the self hatred and cold sadness crept back into his mind. However, Daichi smiled as much as possible to keep from seeming off or sad. He had to act casual and warm, like he had on their first date. _Lets not think of this right now mmkay brain?_

Suga smiled and walked over to the table he happened to be siting at. When he sat down, Daichi swore his heart stopped mid beat.

“Hey.” Suga smiled softly and tilted his head in the most breath taking fashion. It was even crossing the line into heart wrenchingly familiar. The feelings emanating from him were much more tight and stressed than usual, giving a gentle nod to the anxiety behind the smile.

“Hey.. How are you?” Daichi smiled and tried to initiate a semi normal conversation.

“Oh. I'm good. You know I'm halfway through my degree? Its been crazy. I've never had so much homework in my life. I mean, I'm obviously stressed and the SAD is still hard to deal with. But I'm making so much progress and I can really go to parties I mean what happened the other night isn't what I'm usually like. I mean...” Suga said, as he began to slip into a more comfortable and less formal tone. He chattered in a Suga like fashion. But the tips of his ears reddened at the mention of the party. _He probably knows it wasn't one of his shining moments. He doesn't even remember what he said to me. He doesn't remember what happened at all._ With the soft chattering of the coffee shop in the background, Daichi forced himself to relax. This was almost old ground for them. “How are you though? You never told me what you ended up picking for your major.”

“Oh you know....” Daichi waved a hand vaguely, trying to avoid the topic of his life. Things hadn't been going well since Suga had left, but he couldn't let the setter know that. “I.....Uh I actually dropped out.” He turned red and tried not to look Suga in the eye. That was a shameful secret but he figured he would have found out eventually anyways, so why not get it out in the open now? Was this even a date? What if Suga had meant it as just a coffee between friends? _Oh god what if he expects me to act like nothing happened?_ Suga's eyes widened in shock, but he did an amazingly good job of keeping a fairly straight face through it.

“Oh Dai. I'm.....sorry. If I may ask, why?” It was like this small bit of news had somehow brought back the former air of stiffness and fake polite smiles. The nickname plucked at Daichi's heart and he felt himself falling in deeper for the guy. _Fuck._ Suga looked as if he had a lump caught in the back of his throat. He looked pained, as if he had somehow played a role in this ultimate downfall. _Well when he left....and well...he did have a part in this. He wasn't the whole reason but he can't possibly know that._

“I just.....It was a lot, I think, for me right out of high school. And I needed time to figure myself out. So I'm taking this next year off. I just...I need more time, you know?” He tried to be casual, but he could tell Suga thought he wasn't saying everything there was. For now however, he accepted it as a fact and nodded kindly for him to continue.

“That's good though. Maybe it will help you decide what it is you really want to do. Who knows maybe you can get a volleyball team together.” Suga smiled and Daichi remembered how the silver haired guy had always had an affinity for seeing the brightest sides of everything, and how all the bad things could be brightened with him around. _I have to keep him in my life this time._ Daichi thought with a moment of clarity and a spark of determined spirit. _I cant handle losing him again._

After that, they both fell into a more relaxed and enjoyable conversation. It flowed smoothly, and soon Daichi was able to relax. They both laughed and talked, working their way through several cups of coffee. Throughout the nice afternoon they talked, reminisced, and caught up with each other. The conversation topics changed and rippled into the next and soon it was if the world melted away for a little while. Daichi was so happy, and he felt so light, he must have been invincible. Briefly, in the back of his mind, he thought. _This is just the way love is supposed to be._ But he banished the thought before it could manifest into more. 

 


	10. What Is Happening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suga and Daichi have a fun time.

Suga felt his hope for at least a rekindled friendship between him and Daichi was growing as the afternoon melted away. Time passed, and soon what had been a calm and rational coffee date had turned into a quick paced chatter as they caught each other up on their years. Suga talked mostly on how he had managed to cut all the ineffectual pieces and people from his life and Daichi mumbled his remaining knowledge of volleyball. They had felt uncomfortable around each other at first, but the gentle rhythm of the music in the background of the shop lulled them into a soft sense of security. Warmth floated into his skin and he almost melted in his seat.

If he was being completely honest with himself, Suga thought that maybe he and Daichi could really be close again. And although he chastised himself for having even a shred of hope, he tried not to banish the thoughts completely because it was nice to have, like a warm drink and the attractive man sitting across from him. _No, no no no. Not ok. No way._ He could feel attracted to him all he wanted but that didn't change the fact that he and Daichi had a lot to fix first. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and tried to quell the heat in his abdomen. Daichi stopped mid sentence and gave him a look.

“Are you ok?” He asked, noticing a change in the setters behavior. Suga blushed bright red and and took a shaky breathe.

“Haha yeah I'm fine, sorry. I've had a..........crazy day, to say the least.”, he said, ending it with a smile. At that, Daichi laughed and dissolved his voice into giggles. _Yeah, strange...._ Suga could still feel his arousal and Dai's rough, throaty laugh was _not_ helping. He knew that if he didn't take care of the problem soon this was going to be very awkward. Daichi had slowed his laughter and began to notice the suspicious(and familiar) blush spreading across Suga's cheeks and lips. _Oh my god.....is he....turned on???_ Daichi thought to himself in disbelief. Suddenly, thoughts of his ex in the throes of passion began to flood his mind. Startled, he broke out in an almost identical red rush of blood.

Meanwhile, Suga noticed that it was becoming a problem. Hurriedly, he swept his napkin off his lap(trying to hide the situation, and stood up.

“Uh.....h..I'm going to go to the bathroom real quick ok yeah I'll be right back....” He stumbled awkwardly to the bathroom, trying not to make eye contact with any of the non-existent other costumers. He brushed into the bathroom and quickly locked himself in the only stall. _Oh god oh god ok I have to deal with this, uh um oh my god._ The quiet hum of the fluorescent lights above reminded him of his problem. He thought about his dead grandmother, his cat, anything at all. Somehow being in the enclosed space was helping him calm down. The creaking of the door startled him and his eyes flew open again. Footsteps stopped in front of his stall and he was nervous.

“Suga? Are you ok? You looked absolutely green! I can drive you home if you need?.....” Daichi voiced worriedly over the thin metal sheet door. Suga felt so embarrassed he wanted to cower in the corner. _The first time you see him in two years you get drunk and the second time you pop a boner. You are literally the worst._ He thought coherently.

“Ah..h no I'm fine really..” He trailed off, unconvincingly. Suddenly, Daichi was reaching over the top of the door and unlocking it from the outside.

“What are you doing??!” Suga exclaimed. And then the door was opening and Daichi was inside and he was locking the door again.

“What the hell?” He mumbled as Daichi walked to him in one fluid motion and suddenly his mouth was on Suga's.

It felt amazing and familiar and sweet and Suga pushed himself against the other man. Daichi spun and pushed him against the wall, his tongue pushing inside his mouth. Suga moaned a breath and began to grind a bit against him, taking in everything that was happening. Daichi grasped a hand firmly in the setters silvery hair and followed. It was like no time had passed, and they were horny teenagers making out in the showers after practice and it almost felt as good. Almost.

Daichi suddenly pulled away and Suga drew a breath and pouted sadly, his eyes raking his face for something he did wrong.

“What?” He mumbled and Daichi pulled him behind him and out the door.

“Not here.” Suga furrowed his eyebrows as Daichi pulled to their table and slammed money down, and grabbed his coat. Suga did likewise, and then followed Daichi out the door as he walked down the street.

“Dai..?” He asked as he strained to keep up with Daichi's fast paced stride. Daichi grabbed Suga's hand, and the bustled down the sidewalk without another word. They weaved in and out of the crowds on the street. Suga could feel the sparks fading, and he felt his arousal fading with them. He just followed Daichi without a word. The black haired captain was flushed and wherever they were going, it was urgent. Then the captain took a sharp left and went up a flight of metal stairs, and promptly unlocked a door on the second floor. By this point, Suga was deeply confused. _This must be his house! But he doesn't live anywhere near here?_ But the ash blonde setter didn't have time to process anything else.

Because Daichi had him up against the wall, because Daichi was kissing him, because everything was intensely colored by the fireworks behind his eyes. Daichi broke the kiss and Suga gasped for air. Then he pulled him down the hallway, into a bedroom. Daichi pushed Suga down onto the bed and suddenly his mouth was on his again and his pants were too tight. The he heard the other man moan, and he opened his eyes wide. Daichi looked his vice captain in the eye, and then started unbuttoning his jeans. Suga felt relief as his pants and boxers were pushed down in one smooth motion. Daichi leaned down and Suga arched his back, as he began to suck and swirl his tongue along his erection.

“Dai.....nnn” Suga couldn't keep his mouth closed anymore as he purred in delight. Suddenly Daichi's mouth was gone and he pouted in disappointment. But Daichi leaned over and retrieved a tub of Vaseline from the drawer in the side table. He desperately fumbled with the top as Suga sat up and sucked hungrily at his neck, distracting him momentarily. But he managed to get it open, and he took a finger full and carefully tested Suga's opening. He pushed in one finger, working around, and soon it was two fingers, and three. Suddenly he hit a spot that made Suga's eyes go white. He leaned up into his fingers reveling in the intense pleasure brought from it. Then Daichi pressed a tiny bit and Suga felt himself float. Waves of endorphins ran through his body as he shot all over his chest. He spasmed a few times, still basking in the warm after glow. Admittedly, the setter was disappointed that he hadn't lasted long, and he didn't dwell on it for very long.

He felt himself go limp, but instead of just enjoying it, he noticed Daichi was still hard and red faced, begging for release. A devilish grin spread over his face as he knew exactly what he was going to do. He rose up and pushed Daichi down. The silver haired man slowly unbuttoned Daichi's jeans, loving the way he looked desperate for him to just get on with it. Then he pulled Daichi's boxers down around his ankles so he couldn't move. His face was obviously surprised as Suga leaned down to place his mouth over his captains member. He swirled his tongue over the tip and along the length as Daichi opened his mouth in pleasure. He removed his mouth, teasing the other man and letting out a tiny laugh for him as he watched him pout. Suga moved back up his body and their mouths connected, forcing Daichi to taste himself. Their tongues mixed and they both voiced their delight at it in slow moans. At the same time, Suga began to finish Daichi off with his hand. His face was red and he bit his lip and pulled away from the setter. Suddenly he sucked in a breath and came all over Suga's hand.

They both collapsed in relief and an orgasm fueled haze.

“Uh... Well... I'm going to go get cleaned up.” Suga said awkwardly and he stood up and walked into the hallway, looking for a bathroom. “Where's the bathroom?” He couldn't find one. What he found was a very clothed Kuroo Tetsuroo. “HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.” He ducked behind a door and peeked his head out.

“Oh Koushi didn't you know? This is my apartment.”

 


	11. Just When You Think It's Ok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suga and Daichi have a moment.

Suga dove behind the door, and Daichi wrapped himself in a blanket and emerged looking mortified. Kuroo seemed as unfazed as usual, but in this case it was almost offensive, mocking even. For a few moments, Daichi stood gaping, and then he cleared his throat weakly, trying in vain to regain some tiny shred of his dignity and composure. Kuroo stood up from the armchair he had been settled in and pranced to the kitchen. He grabbed a glass and filled it with with water and that ever lazily confident smile, taking a sip and looking directly over the rim of the glass into Daichi's eyes. It was straight up infuriating. Both of the inconvenienced men's faces were red and practically on fire.

“So now that we're all here, how've you been Sawamura? I really haven't seen you lately.” But as he seemed ready to leave them all in this horribly awkward situation for as long as he felt like playing the game, his phone buzzed and he reached into the pocket of his suit pants. “Oh sorry Kenma needs me. This conversation isn't over though. Nice seeing you Koushi!” He provided one last flash of his ever present Cheshire-cat smile and then strode to the door and saw himself out. Suga peeked his head around from the doorframe looking so mortified it was borderline adorable. Daichi smiled and grabbed his hand and squeezed it.

“You might have guessed but-” He started but Suga interrupted.

“This isn't your apartment? Yeah. Is it..Did we just...In Kuroo's apartment?” Daichi solemnly nodded in response to his thinly squeaky voice.

“Yeah.”

* * *

 

Suga felt so embarrassed he wasn't even sure it could still be classified as an emotion and more as a state of being. He looked down at Daichi's hand as he was about to let go. Suddenly he felt a cold stab of panic as it pierced his heart. He grabbed Daichi's arm and lifted his wrists to look at them more closely, hoping to every higher power there was that he was just seeing things. But his heart beat just increased and he felt his eyes tear up. When he looked from the cuts on Daichi's wrists to his eyes, he could see the uncomfortable look in his features.

“Dai...” He whispered wetly through his teary expression. The captain just looked at him, and avoided eye contact.

“I'm sorry...” He muttered but it only hurt Suga more to hear him say that. He tried to hold as much of Daichi's eyes as he could but he kept averting his gaze.

“ I'm going to shower.” Daichi said, a sudden look of darkness passed over him. And he pulled his arms from the setter's hands. He stalked out of the room, still wrapped in a blanket. Suga could hear the anger in the way the bathroom door slammed. It shook him to the core.

* * *

 

Daichi sat underneath the spray for a very long time. The ever increasing numbness had begun to reach into his chest. He couldn't even imagine moving from the spot. The weight of the ugliness and burden of his problems had reached a new level of pain. It burned and hurt and yet he felt nothing at all. He reached for the cheap razor Kuroo kept in his guest bathroom. It was heady in his hands, the power he held and the hope that he could feel better. Maybe he could bleed out the anger and hurt that rested so heavily in his bones.

* * *

 

When Daichi returned back to the guest bedroom, Suga had cleaned up and gotten dressed. The black haired man took a towel and roughly used it to rub the water from his head. Suga sat on the edge of the bed surfing his phone. For some reason, he still couldn't bring himself to leave the apartment. Daichi was dressed in another long sleeved shirt and jeans, and Suga wore his clothes from before. As Daichi tried to grab his keys and leave Suga grabbed him by the arm again. He hissed in pain as Suga caused friction against fresh injuries. The silver haired setter grabbed his arm and pulled him closely. Then he raised himself up a tiny bit and kissed Daichi. Hard. But they broke the kiss quickly, because Suga had begun to cry again.

“Daichi...Why?”

All the other man could do was look at him and feel.

“I'm sorry.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short and badly written stuff all over the play guys! I've had a few crazy months but i think we're back on track!! enjoy :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey thanks for reading so far! I'm basing Suga's issues with anxiety and depression on my own struggles with them, but please do comment if there is anything I can fix for you or tag.


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